Accepting the fact that I can never have any sort of addiction ever in my life I felt the need to make some conscious good habits and try to make them a necessity as time moves ahead. So basically I had the urge to blog and here I am. They say one should change and then unchange. But then there are people like me who change and unchange with every passing day so as to live in limbo of the never changing constant. Its like an instantaneous process wherein when summed up the changes nullify the unchanging part and vice versa. Gibberish as it may sound is now a reality that I live in. It has kept me stunned for a while and I feel that not many can relate to this hence speaking of it aloud makes me sound even more crazy. I have always lived in a life of confusion always in that phase of dilemma and hence I have always moved in horizontals rather than acheiving verticals. I have always observed a certain clarity in other people's lives which I never experienced in my life and hence it is very crucial and all the more difficult for me to get some clarity in my life, in my words, in my deeds. I have always observed that very difference in my words than those of others which are specifically well thought of and well written unlike mine. Random. yes I am the most random person One can ever be and yet I live most mundane life one could ever live. This blog seems to have transitioned into a confession I guess. Well for one thing I am sure of now is that no one really cares. So big deal. Being vulnerable when you know there is no one bothered to give a damn about you is a lot easier when you know there is someone out there who cares because then you need to be careful of what you put out there and what you might get as a response. Shifting off the track as usual. I realized something today. The fact that I have never had any clarity or to rephrase a sense of normalcy is because I never lived a normal life. Maybe it comes as perk of being from a middle class background. The dimensions keep changing as you keep oscillating in the large spectrum of the middle class category. It is always trivial to keep up with the psychological, moral, ethical, professional, financial and emotional changes of your family,friends and people around you as a whole and as individuals. There is basically no stability or a sorted struggle that you are born to deal with or live by. This may not be the only reason but I account it to be one of the major reasons behind my situation or I am just boasting off my understanding based on the worldly knowledge ingrained in my head. Justifying your actions for no reason; a classic middle class mentality cliche. Again shifting tracks! The reason I realised this is because I have no consistency in my thoughts and this has led to a major mess in my head leaving me in that state of limbo again. So... Maybe living in the dilemma is my clarity. Maybe being the odd one is my normal. Maybe I am just being stupid which is the case most of the time. Its like I am abusing my power of using words. Now I am very much sounding like a lunatic. Maybe its just a nervous breakdown. Maybe its nothing. Maybe its normal.pfff.
