The time I felt normal

Accepting the fact that I can never have any sort of addiction ever in my life I felt the need to make some conscious good habits and try to make them a necessity as time moves ahead. So basically I had the urge to blog and here I am. They say one should change and then unchange. But then there are people like me who change and unchange with every passing day so as to live in limbo of the never changing constant. Its like an instantaneous process wherein when summed up the changes nullify the unchanging part and vice versa. Gibberish as it may sound is now a reality that I live in. It has kept me stunned for a while and I feel that not many can relate to this hence speaking of it aloud makes me sound even more crazy. I have always lived in a life of confusion always in that phase of dilemma and hence I have always moved in horizontals rather than acheiving verticals. I have always observed a certain clarity in other people's lives which I never experienced in my life and hence it is very crucial and all the more difficult for me to get some clarity in my life, in my words, in my deeds. I have always observed that very difference in my words than those of others which are specifically well thought of and well written unlike mine. Random. yes I am the most random person One can ever be and yet I live most mundane life one could ever live. This blog seems to have transitioned into a confession I guess. Well for one thing I am sure of now is that no one really cares. So big deal. Being vulnerable when you know there is no one bothered to give a damn about you is a lot easier when you know there is someone out there who cares because then you need to be careful of what you put out there and what you might get as a response. Shifting off the track as usual. I realized something today. The fact that I have never had any clarity or to rephrase a sense of normalcy is because I never lived a normal life. Maybe it comes as perk of being from a middle class background. The dimensions keep changing as you keep oscillating in  the large spectrum of the middle class category. It is always trivial to keep up with the psychological, moral, ethical, professional, financial and emotional changes of your family,friends and people around you as a whole and as individuals. There is basically no stability or a sorted struggle that you are born to deal with or live by. This may not be the only reason but I account it to be one of the major reasons behind my situation or I am just boasting off my understanding based on the worldly knowledge ingrained in my head. Justifying your actions for no reason; a classic middle class mentality cliche. Again shifting tracks! The reason I realised this is because I have no consistency in my thoughts and this has led to a major mess in my head leaving me in that state of limbo again. So... Maybe living in the dilemma is my clarity. Maybe being the odd one is my normal. Maybe I am just being stupid which is the case most of the time. Its like I am abusing my power of using words. Now I am very much sounding like a lunatic. Maybe its just a nervous breakdown. Maybe its nothing. Maybe its normal.pfff.

Heart note ~ 1

I stand there, on the hazy line between right and wrong,  good and bad,  love and despair,  happy and sad.
I stand there, where I walked up to, with the realities I live in, the fantasies I dwell in.
I stand here, with you , in the wrath of time that does not falter but in numbing pain you do not deter
I stand here, for you, praying to alter fate, to get you a piece of peace, for I am a part of you who chooses not to fall apart.

1:05

Ticking and tocking
The hands are stalking
While the time flies
It just keeps mocking

The wander of hours
As the seconds race up
Before the moon shines
And the Sun wakes up

An hour past 12
To add a bit of edge
The thoughts that dwell
Takes the 5 off the hedge

Too early to wee
Little late to be
Didnt catch it to loose
Yet again, I'll hit snooze.

In and around.

Like I pass like I walk through I wonder,
The grass, the fluttering bird
The lunatic the sane
The quintessential make me ponder

Over time it occurred
The craft the art
The science the unbelievable
Everything about nothing
Just further blurred

And then I found a place
Where I existed
Where I chose to wander
Where I was nothing
It was within
It was far away
I am there just not yet
Too slow a pace.

Falsifying the truth
On faith
On love
On the belief of self
On amazement
The maze I built of ruth.

Restlessness in my peace
Thank and blame the time
And what created me
To be to figure to grow
Yet know nothing
Be nothing.

Limbo

The phase of being lost . being unaware of yourself in complete awareness . Being stupid being naive and yet growing up in timeless time bound manner. It has been quite a while this way. The profoundness of which has crept in so deep that it chooses to stay in way the rebel continues to persist . To make a way of nothingness exists. The need to belong the urge to escape. Where do I stand for nothing seems to be absolute to hold on. Is it real or some limbo where I am astray. Who is to believe and who to doubt. No wonder it ain't easy. Too much to gain . what is to lose? Or is it a matter of balance. I am here yet lost in transition. I have a plan yet I wander in search. I dream of something and realize of the things I am unaware of have been in me all along. I am to unravel deep into an endless abyss. Its just me but yet I long for someone to be somewhere around.
That emptiness where the need to know to explore to understand to believe to decide to discover to deduce to desire blend into one is where I am spinning . The mystery of imagination and reality never cease to shock me and leave me in yet another dilemma . It is as still as the deep waters of the deepest of oceans and yet torrential to shake me up from deep within. Why do I do what I do and why do I don't what I got to do. ? It only makes sense as if I was sent to wander and search just be left behind by my own self.

Indulge! Redo!

As it has been for a year now I am tryin to recover from the past per say. But yet the lags persist and one of them being my laziness has been one of the adamant pestering my plans all the time. So like usual I was shutting my alarms n tryin to get extra sleep when dad comes running like a hurricane to show me a birdie he said was new here n as a matter of fact I hadn't seen it before. Not that I am a regular but I do tend to keep a track of the flutterers around my crib every now and then. But my lazy bones had had it not giving me the spontaneity to grab my camera or record the siting I just idly looked at and dug my face in the pillow. After a few minutes the enthusiast in me woke up and I went back to see the birds. I looked and tried to go through my bird book to see if I could have a name. Turns out the book wasn't much of a help so I googled it and asked a friend who knows the names. Some guessing some random searches and I found the name. What I saw was two pairs of blackheaded cuckooshrikes not that females have the slightest tinge of black but the males were extravagantly black headed indeed. In this whole course of identifying that little birdie I realised something for myself . The  curiosity in me that seems to be lost somewhere has to be brought back that is the first. The second shocker is that my level of indulging in such little joys of mine has been to its lowest low. For what I know of me ages ago that girl was an ever enthusiast and jumped in for all she could do. Lately this might be one of the major reasons of me being so overtly laid back . Nevertheless I am happy that the universe is conspiring in its little ways of rehabilitating me of what good I was. So its a note to myself that I have to reindulge in stuff that I used to love to do and dust off the me from what has faded off. Ofcourse I also plan to indulge into many new stuff that draws my interest. That's about me but am sure of many like me who haven't been discovering themselves off late as they are too busy in making sense out of life. There is always a time we need to pause and INDULGE!

in awe and amazement

Times change as we move ahead with each second a new thought shoots right through your grey cells, a new face you see to remember for life and to forget before a second look, a new idea that can make or break a lifetime, a new incident to cherish and crib about . Yet it all seems to be stagnant and stationary as if it were never to change it has been this way all along . The cue is what matters what you yearn to believe what is that influences the change in you and what dejects the idea of your being . The existence of a soul is irrespective of where it is , what encases it for a time to go and what it has been through in a life of a body . It is indeed intriguing of how immortality itself evolves in each generation it lives through and its essence is magnified with each course of mortality. something like what we learn in science ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny.
Yes the awesomeness of this fact is that each ounce of change in every second that passes shall be magnified into eternal generations to come but its awful to know that the mere fact that the soul has to be entrapped within a carcass and yet survive all that it comes across just to move ahead with a change of matter.
Not that am in a mood to talk about philosophy and soul matter but the thought that forced me to think of this wonderful factoid arose from a music video i was watching. 
It occurred to me that how each person has a vivid and magnanimous profile of its own soul character. the melange of the original properties of a soul before it inhabits a body and the ones it imbibes past every day and second of his or her life brings out the uniqueness of a new thought, a new idea, a new history, a new invention , a new discovery, a new society. 
On a usual day I feel to limited and ordinary but indeed today I feel that there is a lot in me undiscovered unique and special and I lot to cherish and magnify.