Too much of a thing.

Its 3 am in the morning and am wide awake ... restless and amazed.Usually  I am reading blogs and checking out pictures on facebook well twhenever i get online and then i feel lonely and bitter it may sound shallow and no wonder one will definitely tag me as a jealous loser and i have no amount of energy and interest and singing my sorrows n pain to them as it will be again get a remark that i make too much of a thing  but tonight i realised something that i am indeed behaving shallow and stupid by feeling that i have no life , not a person who truly loves me and even if anyone does it isn't making me feel happy about it. whatever it is what i mean to say is that i have turned into someone who can make herself happy who can love herself who can be her own friend and guide and can entertain herself. But ... as there is always a but... i am not liking this way ...its a compromise that i evolved to b on my own as i did not get what i was yearning for .. why is it so hard to feel happy .. why is it so easy to breakdown into tears... whats in me that is so wrong .. n why do i feel its a big thing .. i know people have problems i know life isnt a cakewalk for everyone i know i have everything anybody would want but still i feel like a loser i feel empty i feel broken i feel jealousy . 

“Therefore, dear Sir, love your solitude and try to sing out with the pain it causes you. For those who are near you are far away... and this shows that the space around you is beginning to grow vast.... be happy about your growth, in which of course you can't take anyone with you, and be gentle with those who stay behind; be confident and calm in front of them and don't torment them with your doubts and don't frighten them with your faith or joy, which they wouldn't be able to comprehend. Seek out some simple and true feeling of what you have in common with them, which doesn't necessarily have to alter when you yourself change again and again; when you see them, love life in a form that is not your own and be indulgent toward those who are growing old, who are afraid of the aloneness that you trust.... and don't expect any understanding; but believe in a love that is being stored up for you like an inheritance, and have faith that in this love there is a strength and a blessing so large that you can travel as far as you wish without having to step outside it.” ― Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

the stand!

Its been years that i edit this blog n delete it i have no clue why but something stopped me from sharing my thoughts n feelings maybe i have the fear being judged like it has always been so . Finally today I feel good about it as something in me buckled up some confidence from the experiences I have had over the last few weeks . Now looking back i wonder wt took me so long to speak out for myself i wonder why it was so difficult for me to shape words that will make me feel free and confident.. all these years the grudge , the pain . the wrath, the guilt, the shame, the grief, well endless of those words made me into a crazy clueless person who couldn't see the damage done to herself by her own mistakes.. but we all learn and evolve so did i of course there is much lost in the bargain but its never too late.. well using all the cliches together but dts wt it is... thats what has kept me n my life stagnant n disastrous..talking about the change and the STAND i took for myself i feel as if it was so easy if it was done before ..but i was hesitant as to what if i change and still get the same consequences.. nevertheless today i am moving in a better direction... still the same emotions i carry alongwith but with immense hope n little confidence that i can do good to my self n life will be way better than what it is .
Today i stand alone as i did always but there is faint light that shows me how happy I am the way I am.